Is It Normal to Feel Different as an Adopted Child?
During a student council icebreaker, a group of teens was certain that “I’m adopted” had to be the lie. What followed shows the offhand comments adoptees hear every day, and why those slights deserve to be taken seriously.
Being told “you can’t be adopted, you’re normal” reveals how much stigma still surrounds adoption among peers, even well-meaning curiosity can sting when it treats adoption as an anomaly rather than a normal way families form.
- I am allergic to coconuts.
- I swam the English Channel.
- I’m adopted.
The Game Was “Three Truths and a Lie”
The group surrounding the 17-year-old girl unanimously agreed the lie was, “I’m adopted.”
“You Can’t Be Adopted. You’re Normal.”
“You guys think I can swim the English Channel?” Alison laughed. “That’s the lie.”
“You’re adopted?” another student in the student-council-get-to-know-you activity asked incredulously. “You can’t be adopted. You’re normal.”
Adoption Caught the Group’s Imagination
For a while, they discussed how “normal” Alison was. Then they abandoned their original game to learn another girl in the group was also adopted. Comments included:
- “Do you ever talk to your real mom and dad?”
- “If your parents get divorced, will you go back to your real parents?”
- “I’m glad my mom didn’t give me away.”
- “How much did you cost?”
- “Are you related to your sibling?”
- “Have you seen This Is Us? I love that show.”
- “At least your parents wanted you. I was an ‘oops baby.’”
- “Did you live in an orphanage?”
What Adoptees Overhear About Their Worth
The two adopted participants in the discussion also recalled things they had overheard which brought into question the value of an adopted child.
- “Can you give him back if he develops learning disabilities?”
- “You’re lucky. She looks like she could actually be yours.”
- “Maybe now you’ll get pregnant and have one of your own.”
- “Weren’t you scared of what you might get?”
- “I would have just gotten a dog. That would have been so much easier.”
- “If God had wanted you to have children, you would have given birth to one.”
- “Adoption is expensive. Was she worth it?”
Validate That These Slights Can Hurt
“And,” the original speaker said, “You couldn’t believe I was adopted because I’m, what, normal.”
Recognize that these real traumas come to adoptees in the best of circumstances. Most of these kids had learned to laugh it off. Just make sure you validate that these slights can hurt.
See also: How Do Adopted Kids Handle Genetics Lessons in School? for another common school situation.
FAQ - Simple
Frequently Asked Questions
Yes, peer curiosity, even when well-intentioned, can make adopted kids feel like an anomaly rather than normal, which is worth
preparing them for.
Yes. Even well meaning curiosity from classmates can make adopted kids feel different rather than normal.
How can parents help kids handle intrusive questions from peers?
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