Should I Worry My Child Will Prefer Their Birth Parents?
At an adoption conference, an adult adoptee had a blunt message for adoptive parents: a child’s curiosity about their birth family has nothing to do with you. Respect it, and think about the kids.
An adoptee panel speaker put it directly: wanting to know your biological parents has nothing to do with the parents who raised you. Curiosity about DNA isn’t a threat to the relationship you’ve built.
“Adoptive parents are illogical.”
Jan had agreed to answer questions at an adoption conference. She represented adults adopted as an infant. Everyone in the room listened as the animated 30-year-old spoke frankly and unapologetically.
“You adoptive parents or potential adoptive parents need to smarten up. Don’t be irrational. When a child wants to know about his biological parents, it has nothing, NOTHING, to do with you.”
Still animated, she suggested that some adoptive parents fear being replaced by a biological parent.
“That’s ridiculous. Unless an adoptive parent abuses a kid, I’ve never known one single adopted person, NOT ONE SINGLE ADOPTED PERSON, who wants to abandon those who raised her. However, every adopted person I’ve ever known is understandably curious about the DNA and the situation surrounding their birth.”
An open adoption does not imply you will be parenting your child with the birth parents. Adoptive parents have the permanent and legal responsibilities and rights involved in raising the child.
“Some adoptive kids get close to their biological family,” Jen said. “Some don’t. Just don’t be irrational with your own emotions. Instead, think about the kids.”
See also: How Do I Build Trust With My Adopted Child? for more on what actually builds trust over time.
FAQ - Simple
Frequently Asked Questions
No. Curiosity about origins is separate from love and loyalty to the parents who raised them
With support rather than fear. Curiosity about biological family is normal and doesn't threaten the relationship you've built
It doesn't require co-parenting. Adoptive parents keep full legal rights and responsibilities for raising the child.
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