What Are Warning Signs an Adoptive Family Won’t Honor Openness?
Watch for family profiles that barely mention you, hesitation about meeting in person, and vague answers about boundaries, these can signal a family isn’t truly open to ongoing contact.
As a birth mother do you want an open adoption? Let’s make sure when you place your baby, it’s with a family who truly wants the same adoption option you want.
Here are five red flags you might to watch for that suggest the potential adoptive family isn’t open to an open adoption.
Red Flag Number 1
The Child-Centric Profile: When you see their family profile it is all baby-centered. You are barely mentioned. Discussions focus solely on diapers and nap schedules with no room for you.
Example Conversation:
Birth Mother: “I noticed your family profile is very focused on the baby. What
role
do you see for me in the child’s life?”
Adoptive Family: “Oh, we just want
to
make sure the baby is comfortable and happy. You can visit, but let’s keep things
simple.”
Red Flag Number 2
Undecided About Meeting: If the adoptive family can’t commit to a meet-and-greet, this is concerning. If they always have an excuse, you might want to look for another family.
Birth Mother: “I’d love to meet you and get to know you better. Can we schedule a
time?”
Adoptive Family: “We’re really busy right now. Can we just wait until after
the
baby is born?”
Birth Mother: “I want to make sure we’re comfortable with each other
before that. It’s important.”
Red Flag Number 3
Lack of Boundaries: If the potential adoptive family isn’t ready to talk about boundaries or schedules, they aren’t ready for a commitment to you. They are probably planning but are leaving you out of the planning. This is not a good sign of a successful open adoption.
Birth Mother: “Have you thought about how we’ll navigate boundaries in our open
adoption?”
Adoptive Family: “Boundaries? We haven’t really discussed that. We
thought
we’d figure it out as we go.”
Birth Mother: “I think it’s important to have a plan
in
place to avoid misunderstandings.”
Red Flag Number 4
Reluctant to Work with the Adoption Agency: Potential adoptive families who don’t want advice or direction from a good adoption agency may have already decided what they want. Someone writing their own script is often hard to work with later.
Birth Mother: “The agency has some great resources for us. Are you open to taking their
advice?”
Adoptive Family: “We’ve done our research. We prefer to handle things our
own
way.”
Birth Mother: “I’d feel more comfortable if we followed the agency’s
guidance.”
Red Flag Number 5
Absence of a Communication Plan: If the adoptive family doesn’t want to discuss the post-adoption communication plan, you will spend a lot of time in the dark, wondering what comes next. Conclusion: Open adoption requires collaboration, and a shared vision.
Birth Mother: “I was thinking about how we’ll stay in touch after the adoption. Any
thoughts?”
Adoptive Family: “We haven’t really thought about it. We’ll just see how
it
goes, I guess.”
Birth Mother: “I’d like to have a plan in place so we’re all on the
same page moving forward.”
Conclusion: Open adoption requires collaboration, and a shared vision. Ensure red flags are addressed for a successful and truly open adoption journey.
See also: What Happens If an Adoptive Family Breaks Post-Adoption Promises? for what to do if these warning signs turn out to be true.
FAQ - Simple
Frequently Asked Questions
Yes, asking direct questions before placement is exactly how you protect the relationship you want afterward.
Yes. Asking directly about boundaries, communication, and meeting expectations before placement is one of the best ways to protect the relationship afterward.
Hesitation about meeting before the birth can be an early sign that the family isn't ready for the kind of openness you want.
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