A Birth Mother’s Connection to the Adoptive Mother
A birth mother’s real account of realizing ‘giving up’ wasn’t the right way to describe placing her daughter, and how an unexpected relationship with the adoptive mother grew from that shift in language.
Conversation with Birth Mother—edited to remove identifying details—names changed
Choosing to ‘Place’ Instead of ‘Give Up’
“Give up my baby for adoption,” that’s how I always said it. I even told my friends, i was “Giving up my baby for adoption.” and at the adoption agency, they told me I wasn’t giving up. They helped me find a family for my baby. It was a family I could “place my baby for adoption.” They sent me profiles and found a family that I could picture my baby with.
So we called and talked on the phone before my little girl was born. Susan asked me how I’d like to stay in touch with them after I gave birth. That kind of freaked me out. These people were strangers. I didn’t really want to keep in touch.
Deciding How Much Contact to Have
I didn’t really know if I wanted an open adoption for my baby. I knew I couldn’t take care of her for a whole lot of reasons, and I didn’t know if I wanted to see how she was raised and what was happening to her.
I guess maybe because I didn’t have a really good childhood, and I don’t know, I didn’t think about growing up as something positive. I don’t know, it’s like I kind of thought happy childhoods were something you saw on TV, and then those childhood actors all came out and said life was rough. So I wanted to think my daughter would have a great childhood and be loved, but somewhere back in my mind, I didn’t think it really would truly happen.
At least I wanted a family that would make sure she got to school. I always didn’t get to school, and that makes me feel inferior now because I don’t have a high school diploma, but since I placed my baby, I have someone who encourages me.
An Unexpected Relationship With the Adoptive Mother
I know it’s strange, but Susan and her husband Todd adopted my baby, and then they kind of adopted me. I mean, Susan has encouraged me to get my GED, and she sends me things. And we send a lot of pictures. I get pictures of my baby, and I send Susan pictures of stuff I do.
I’m not angry with my mother for how she raised me. I’m kind of getting over that. Because if I would have kept my baby, I probably would have raised her just like my mother raised me.
But with an open adoption, I am seeing that childhood can be happy. I am happier than I have ever been because my daughter’s mother has kind of become my mother, too. I mean, I know that not everyone who places a child for adoption needs a mother, but I needed a mother, and my daughter needed a mother, and we both got one.
See also: Am I Giving Up My Baby, or Placing My Child? for more on how birth mothers describe this same shift in mindset.
FAQ - Simple
Frequently Asked Questions
It happens more often than people expect, especially in open adoptions where regular contact builds real trust over time.
It can become a genuine source of support, as this birth mother's story shows, without replacing the relationships already in her life.
That uncertainty is common. Many birth mothers decide gradually, after getting to know the adoptive family better.
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